Insomnia
Sometimes I wonder if my mind keeps me awake all night thinking of a million things so that eventually I will come to some conclusion that will solve all of my problems, then I can sleep peacefully. Other times, I wonder if it's actually my insomnia giving me loads of irrational thoughts and worries and exacerbating my stress into a ball of anxiety and depression and paranoia.
Right now, I feel like I've been used. I don't know if it's actually true or not...but I definitely don't feel like I'm important or meaningful in any way to the person I am pining after. Really, as I love to say...it is all my fault. He reached out to me very platonically. I bridged that gap, I fired the first shot, thinking...what the hell, I never actually do what I want because I overthink things too much and talk myself out of them. I probably miss out on tons of good things, because I convince myself that I'm just seeing what I want, or that it is a pipe dream that won't ever really happen...or any number of things that are catastrophic to my mental well being. Maybe this wasn't a good shot to take. I mean honestly...it has made me into something I absolutely hate..."the other woman". And I hear what he tells me about how miserable he is. I hear him say how much he hates her and how he is just sticking things out for his daughter. I have to wonder though...how many of those EXACT same things my own spouse said to his "other woman". Mind you...I do see some glaring differences...like I will never reach out and make anyone aware of me. I won't threaten or harass or generally make anyone else miserable on my behalf if things don't go the way I hope. I guess that is the big difference in maturity between myself and the whore. Back to the point though...when the gap was first closed...he was seemingly much more emotional towards me. I can look back and see all of the times he told me he loved me and how he needed me in his life. When things upset me, he was much more invested in making sure I was ok. Now, I feel like an afterthought...like he feels obligated to message me and check in with me, because he is afraid that if he upsets me, it has risks. I know he has a ton going on right now, and I'm trying really super hard not to take anything personally. I'm sure it's a combination of my own history and insecurity, mingled in with circumstance and a little truth. The problem is, I am genuinely attached to him...and I have absolutely no right to claim any aspect of him. I feel like he regrets me...and to be honest, I am beginning to regret crossing that line. I want him for more than a few days every few months...and now that I have shown I am willing to be part time...I worry he will never view me as anything more. It's definitely a blow to my self esteem that yet ANOTHER guy, would rather choose someone else they have massive complaints about over me. Makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I try to tell myself that he isn't choosing her over me...he is choosing his daughter over me, and while that makes sense...it isn't really any less painful. He has been spending less and less time talking to me and interacting in a way that conveys any emotional interest in me....and I wonder if that is because of me or because of him...or maybe just the fact that he is so freakin busy. I make so many excuses for people...I don't know why. Maybe I should just shut everyone out completely. Because the mental image of him in bed with her, cuddled up talking about the life they share, the future they share and their plans...makes me want to cry. I really question if I will ever find someone who will ever think I'm worth putting first in the same way I put him first...or if I'm just bound to be the stepping stone for everyone else's happily ever after.
Right now, I feel like I've been used. I don't know if it's actually true or not...but I definitely don't feel like I'm important or meaningful in any way to the person I am pining after. Really, as I love to say...it is all my fault. He reached out to me very platonically. I bridged that gap, I fired the first shot, thinking...what the hell, I never actually do what I want because I overthink things too much and talk myself out of them. I probably miss out on tons of good things, because I convince myself that I'm just seeing what I want, or that it is a pipe dream that won't ever really happen...or any number of things that are catastrophic to my mental well being. Maybe this wasn't a good shot to take. I mean honestly...it has made me into something I absolutely hate..."the other woman". And I hear what he tells me about how miserable he is. I hear him say how much he hates her and how he is just sticking things out for his daughter. I have to wonder though...how many of those EXACT same things my own spouse said to his "other woman". Mind you...I do see some glaring differences...like I will never reach out and make anyone aware of me. I won't threaten or harass or generally make anyone else miserable on my behalf if things don't go the way I hope. I guess that is the big difference in maturity between myself and the whore. Back to the point though...when the gap was first closed...he was seemingly much more emotional towards me. I can look back and see all of the times he told me he loved me and how he needed me in his life. When things upset me, he was much more invested in making sure I was ok. Now, I feel like an afterthought...like he feels obligated to message me and check in with me, because he is afraid that if he upsets me, it has risks. I know he has a ton going on right now, and I'm trying really super hard not to take anything personally. I'm sure it's a combination of my own history and insecurity, mingled in with circumstance and a little truth. The problem is, I am genuinely attached to him...and I have absolutely no right to claim any aspect of him. I feel like he regrets me...and to be honest, I am beginning to regret crossing that line. I want him for more than a few days every few months...and now that I have shown I am willing to be part time...I worry he will never view me as anything more. It's definitely a blow to my self esteem that yet ANOTHER guy, would rather choose someone else they have massive complaints about over me. Makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I try to tell myself that he isn't choosing her over me...he is choosing his daughter over me, and while that makes sense...it isn't really any less painful. He has been spending less and less time talking to me and interacting in a way that conveys any emotional interest in me....and I wonder if that is because of me or because of him...or maybe just the fact that he is so freakin busy. I make so many excuses for people...I don't know why. Maybe I should just shut everyone out completely. Because the mental image of him in bed with her, cuddled up talking about the life they share, the future they share and their plans...makes me want to cry. I really question if I will ever find someone who will ever think I'm worth putting first in the same way I put him first...or if I'm just bound to be the stepping stone for everyone else's happily ever after.
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