Sinking

I'm trying really hard not to, but I'm sinking.  There doesn't seem to be any way to avoid the depression that has been slowly creeping in.  My one little buoy of hope, I am systematically destroying...pushing him further and further away.  I know in the end, this is what is going to happen anyways, so really I'm just saving everyone time.  Nobody stays, the more he sees my damage, the quicker he will run.  Not that he was ever my buoy anyways...I can't really claim something that was never mine to begin with...can't lean on it either.
   I can't sleep.  I'm on edge.  I feel sick and anxious and overwhelmed and desperately dark and lost.  My mind is spinning with thoughts of escape.  Spinning with risk over expressing the darkness I feel.  I need to keep it in, locked away, where nobody else can see it.  I can't escape it...I've tried.  Every little thing that usually keeps this at bay, was just another weight pulling me down.  My hope, was a mirage.  Really there is no hope...just a delay for my inevitable capsizing.  I can feel it, like physically FEEL the dark.  Like those cartoon movies, where there is a ball of black energy, bad energy, powering the evil robot...and it just spins and twists inside me...and I'm on self-destruct.
   I can't reach out to him.  I know he could pull me out...but if he brushed me aside right now, it would crush me.  So I pull away, because it's better for me to put space between us, than him.  I shouldn't have talked about anything.  I should have kept it all to myself.  I can't help thinking about if my daughter would be ok with the Whore as her Mom.  If she would be ok, with anyone else...and as long as that answer is more "no" than "yes", I am trapped.  I am a terrible option, but I am still a better option than others.  She deserves better than I can ever be...everyone I love does...but everyone but her has already made it clear, that they HAVE better.  I am never the first choice.  Which is why I'm here, writing into the abyss...alone.