Time to get this started....
I'm employed...1 week after starting the search. It isn't perfect, but it's a step. I'm hurt and angry. Standing in the middle of the bridge...I don't know which side is better...so I'm dropping the match right here...I'm ready to swim...burn it all. I'm not even going to try to pick up the pieces.
Nostalgia is running pretty hard through my head right now. I remember how it feels to touch him. I remember how it feels wrapped up in him. Talking to him and him telling me he loves me. I also remember how easy I am to walk away from. How easy it is to break me. I remember every discussion of how miserable he is, and how much he hates his life. I not only remember, but I can physically feel the pain. I lose myself in those good moments. I lose myself when he talks to me, it makes me happier than anything. His distance feels like suffocating. It makes me angry...angry at myself, for letting him in...because it is entirely my own fault. I am a lone drop, dangling, hanging on for all I'm worth to this solid piece of my life...and I know, when I let go and hit...it will ripple destruction. God I'm ready for that...I'm ready to rip everything around me apart. I want to take all of this pain inside me and rain it down on the people who caused it. The anger is overwhelming and crushing. I feel like I have no worth. I mean so little, I was tossed aside callously...so going out in flames is appealing. I wish so hard, I could actually treat them the same as they did me...I just get overtaken with it and cry...angry ugly crying. Because I am worthless. I'm a target to vent at, a receptacle for mistakes, a punching bag, a distraction. More than anyone I hate me...because I want to save everyone so much, that I sink myself.
I don't feel like a day goes by, that I don't think about the relief of being gone. I can vividly picture cutting myself, and the pain of everything draining out of me with the blood. I'm not even scared of it. I'm scared of the impact that would make on my daughter. I may not matter to anyone, but she is the reason I will crush everything in my path. She is the reason I will open myself to everything thrown at me. I will be the mountain to shield her from the storm...even as my parts crumble around us, I will always shield her, because there is no other place for me in this world. I am so tired of being alone...if there was ever someone who could save me, I need it now. But you can't be saved if you aren't wanted even by yourself.
Nostalgia is running pretty hard through my head right now. I remember how it feels to touch him. I remember how it feels wrapped up in him. Talking to him and him telling me he loves me. I also remember how easy I am to walk away from. How easy it is to break me. I remember every discussion of how miserable he is, and how much he hates his life. I not only remember, but I can physically feel the pain. I lose myself in those good moments. I lose myself when he talks to me, it makes me happier than anything. His distance feels like suffocating. It makes me angry...angry at myself, for letting him in...because it is entirely my own fault. I am a lone drop, dangling, hanging on for all I'm worth to this solid piece of my life...and I know, when I let go and hit...it will ripple destruction. God I'm ready for that...I'm ready to rip everything around me apart. I want to take all of this pain inside me and rain it down on the people who caused it. The anger is overwhelming and crushing. I feel like I have no worth. I mean so little, I was tossed aside callously...so going out in flames is appealing. I wish so hard, I could actually treat them the same as they did me...I just get overtaken with it and cry...angry ugly crying. Because I am worthless. I'm a target to vent at, a receptacle for mistakes, a punching bag, a distraction. More than anyone I hate me...because I want to save everyone so much, that I sink myself.
I don't feel like a day goes by, that I don't think about the relief of being gone. I can vividly picture cutting myself, and the pain of everything draining out of me with the blood. I'm not even scared of it. I'm scared of the impact that would make on my daughter. I may not matter to anyone, but she is the reason I will crush everything in my path. She is the reason I will open myself to everything thrown at me. I will be the mountain to shield her from the storm...even as my parts crumble around us, I will always shield her, because there is no other place for me in this world. I am so tired of being alone...if there was ever someone who could save me, I need it now. But you can't be saved if you aren't wanted even by yourself.
Comments
Post a Comment